I keep getting letters from a company that provides preplanned cremation services with all the trimmings. I have asked that my name be exhumed from the list, but I guess they haven't gotten around to it because the letters keep arriving.

Another one hit today. I called and asked to be removed––not from the earth, but from the marketing list. The telephone undertaker kept asking me, "What was your name again?" I kept reminding her that my name "is" and that I am not yet in the past tense. This was followed by, "What was your address again?" I gave up and said, "Well, before I died, my address was as follows . . . ."

At the termination of our conversation (note I didn't say "the end") I asked the representative, "What was your name, again?" I fully expected the line to go dead, but she responded with good vital signs. I was tempted to ask if I could get a two-for-one special on urns if I used my credit card before the offer "expired."

Had the conversation taken a more deadly turn, my biggest question would have been this: What if I bought a cremation package and the company died before I did? What would be the final arrangements for the defunct business? Would my prepayment be scattered at sea in small bills, or returned to me in an unmarked box?

Those of you who know me realize I am laughing out loud at this rather bizarre incident.

This stuff kills me.